Good, Bad, or Insipid?

Ok, so perhaps all of us have, or have not tasted, turned away, or more judiciously “promptly removed from the table” a wine that one cares to classify as BAD. Ouch; shame on the club at hand for serving said wine, or is it perhaps- shame on “Mr./Mrs. Smith” who may not realize that a fine (Red) from the Cote de Nuits with considerable Brettanomyces present, should in fact smell of, well…….lets put it diplomatically, as Broadbent would, “Barnyard notes and some farm-like earth”.

A quandary is defined as “a state of perplexity or uncertainty, esp. as to what to do; a dilemma”. That’s what I think we may have all run into at some point. What to do when a member or colleague, client, or friend makes the claim that the wine being served is “bad”, “off”, “corked”, or “cooked”? Consider yourself a ‘Medicinae Doctor’ of wine and make a diagnosis! Here are a few easy and hopefully laconic red flags to consider when the quandary as defined above is faced.

First, lets not concern ourselves with screw-caps or synthetic corks; we’ll save that for another blog! Cork is a natural, and so potentially fallible, material used to seal wine. There are these little things called microorganisms that like to eat natural products like cork. Ergo, if these little microorganism critters cascade upon the cork of the wine it’s in charge of protecting; then the wine in question may also be, well….in question. In short, if you smell a wet basement, wet newspapers, or even occasionally, essence of paint thinner, you can estimate that something may be wrong. This is a pretty sure sign of a wine that has been negatively affected by a faulty cork. To be fair, I’ve only just described a wine that is “corked”. The next culprit may be oxygen.

But first, let’s back up to “first period wine 101”: we know that the four major enemies of wine are: oxygen, light, vibration, and of course, higher than ideal storing temperatures. So, with exposure to oxygen in white wines that aren’t supposed to be golden or yellowed, you may in turn find a “cooked” or yellowed color. On the palate; they will be flat and characterless….the fruit you were waiting for simply fails to appear.

Another red flag may be wine that appears sweet or as wine snobs may say, “Madeirized” when they are supposed to be dry or even off-dry instead. Basically, when you (or storage related heat) cook wine- it reduces, and becomes sweeter as certain elements burn off and abandon the true characteristics of the original wine. Here’s another dead giveaway; if the cork in the bottle is pushed slightly upward, challenging the fortitude of the foil on top- it’s probably Madeirized. It has been cooked, simply by higher than best temperatures. It will be “bad” with very infrequent exceptions.
Ok, so it turns out that the whole “cooked wine” scene was really great for fortified wines whose goal it was to make it across the Atlantic (exposed to copious sunlight) during century’s past- but for the likes of your everyday Sonoma Chardonnay- bad news, simply stated.

Ok, so now that you’ve got your MD ”en vino”, its time to hatch a plan for the always possible “bad wine” occurrence. Suffice it to say that in these types of situations, your gut should always prevail. Give your members the optimal experience, and don’t squabble over ten’s, or twenty’s. Conversely though, I do advise that you and your team birth a subtle, “cultural awareness”, day to day, in your club- that recognizes or adopts even subliminally a “buyer’s beware” mantra with regards to wine purchases. Educate both your staff and members about the nuances of certain wines, and also what to expect. It can be either unfortunate or fortunate that some of your wine lists’ more expensive slots may be inhabited by those same wines that will possess those funky, difficult, and niche nuances. Choose pro-action over reaction. Head it off at the pass with a simple dialogue; “ah, you’ve ordered the Gevrey-Chambertin…I, too, enjoy those earthy, vegetal characters in a red wine”. Know what needs to be known and then your ammunition has been gathered.

Now of course if the wine is by definition “bad” (based on your expertise and knowledge); take it back and apologize. Experts say that as many as 10% of all wines bottled, are “corked”. Remember that the next bottle of wine coming to the table is even now more sought after and desired by your members; so deliver it to your members apace. Now, if your members request- then taste, a wine and just simply “don’t like it”, but claim that …”its bad”, then you should be comfortable in your skin knowing that given the criteria above- evidence shows there is nothing wrong with the wine. Gingerly present the possibility that we’ve only just simply jettisoned into a situation of preference rather than quality. Confidence in your own and your staffs’ knowledge of wine will then certainly come to the aid. And, the underlying beauty of it all is that it’s not lip service, its wine knowledge, and trust me there is nothing more pure or gainful for us or for the membership of our respective clubs.

So with that, I totally encourage and tempt any readers to comment on what the procedure is at their respective clubs, along with any anecdotal gems, or helpful suggestions. Sticky situations like these may become easier to deal with, having shared experiences or tactics with other Club Managers. In nutshell- that’s kind of what it’s all about, I suppose. Right?